Andrej's DNA Group 2025-2026

Leadership Training: Listening & Responding

1) CONSIDER THE GOSPEL (with State of the Heart):

2) REDRESSING/ COVERING:

Our responses should make it safe for people to tell more of their story later.

People generally share what's easiest to share first, testing to see how those portions of their story are handled before offering more. Others in your group are watching to see how each person is treated and whether it's safe for them to share, too.

"Cover" the one sharing:

When you share to the level of feeling exposed, you will feel more safe and loved when others cover your vulnerability or shame. Covering is a significant theme in Scripture.

In Psalm 32, we see what happens when we try to cover ourselves and how different it is when we uncover so that God can cover us. We extend the Father and Christ's love when we cover others.

A. PEOPLE SHOW YOU MORE THAN THEY TELL YOU

Mike Mason, in Practicing the Presence of People says, "Only about 7 percent of communication is conveyed through words. The rest we read between the lines in the form of expressions, gestures, Vocal inflection and the general energy people give off-in a word, their presence. To communicate well, it is more important to watch what people say, to feel what is being said, than to listen to every word. We must learn to hear with our eyes and heart.”

As we listen, we are looking for the presence and absence of emotion:

B) UNPACKING SIGNIFICANT WORDS:

Some words ARE more significant than others

When we understand our deep desires, we can identify what is motivating us. We can clarify the purposes of our actions and the energy fueling our actions. What makes a word “SIGNIFICANT"?

Listen for door openers: Observe. Feel. Attune.

Use all this information to respond with empathy, compassion, kindness and comfort.

3) Point Response of Covering

Example of a significant statement:
(Spoken by a feeler):
“I haven't said this before because I was afraid no one would believe me.
(Spoken by a thinker):
"I haven't said this before because I thought no one would believe me.

1. Identify :

Identify with their circumstance of pain with a brief sentence or by expressing what you feel for them (not for their circumstance). You might respond with how you can relate, using a short sentence, such as:

“I can relate to the fear you felt.”
“I can relate to your isolation.”
“I feel sad you had to hold it all in.”
“I feel the weight of the words 'no one'.”

2. Affirm

Affirm the person for taking the risk to be vulnerable with you, as well as validate what they are feeling.

“Your tone was soft and felt vulnerable.”
“You are brave to share now even though it is still scary.”
“I saw the sadness in your eyes when you said those words.”
“I heard your voice tremble; your body knows your fear was justified.”

3. Share

Share from your feelings or desires how you are affected by the person who shared, and from what they shared. (Use the Feelings Wheel for help)

“I want you to hear me now: I believe you.”
“I feel honored that you trust us to share what you haven't been able to share before.”
“You matter to me, so I'm grateful that you're telling us about what happened.”
“I am amazed at your wisdom to know so young that your parents were not trustworthy.”
“I am sad you had to sacrifice so much to stay safe.”
“I feel sad you had reasons to feel afraid."
“I feel sad you had reasons to think that way."
“I'm sad you didn't feel safe to share.”
“I feel angry that your trust was betrayed."
“I'm sad no one would have believed you."

General Conversations

To help you conversationally trace a person's desires by "unpacking significant words," read the following example dialog in this scenario slowly.

"I had a remarkable meeting this week."
 "What was remarkable about it?"
Even though it was a teacher's staff meeting, I think I was able to really understand another teacher's needs and connect, not just professionally, but on a personal level as well." "I felt a sense of value; that I not only contributed to the meeting, but that I also added something positive to that teacher's day." "It helps me know that I make a difference." "What was it like for you to understand and connect in a meaningful way?"

"When you feel valued, what is that like?"

You would then cover the person (identify, affirm, and/or share) "I can relate to your sense of satisfaction. You value connection and want to impact others for good. You sharing that encourages me and I'm glad I can celebrate with you.

By simply unpacking a single emotionally charged word "remarkable" with a few questions, you have now more deeply explored another person's heart, helping them get in touch with their own deep desire. This awareness can give them insight into their unique identity. As you are then fully present with them by simply identifying, affirming, and sharing from your heart, you become an expression of the love of Christ to them.

CONSIDER OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS: WHAT AND HOW, NOT WHY

4) Unhelpful Responses

#1-Fixing: Listening is not about fixing. It's about entering in. If you have advice, Later, ask if your advice is welcome.

#2-Giving pat (trite) answers: There are no trite or simple answers for the pain an brokenness of this world. You are not giving answers; you are giving yourself and your empathy and pointing them to Christ.

#3-Saying Nothing: For some, silence only confirms fears: No one understands me/ no one can relate to me/ No one cares about me/ something is wrong with me, etc. and that leaves the speaker in shame.

#4-Saying too much: Too many words can cloud the message and also shift the speaker into head space rather than heart spaced.

#5-Asking questions: This takes them out of heart space and into head space. Also, one question can snowball into more questions and leave the speaker with a sense that what was shared was not enough/ was unclear/ or was wrong, all of which lead to feelings of shame. Wait until later to clear up questions.

#6-Drawing attention to yourself or your own story: Moving to your story diminishes the story you just heard. Focus on what they have shared, and who they are.

#7-Processing the story: This is not the time. Vulnerability needs to be covered. At another time, processing can happen if the speaker gives you permission and wants to explore further.

#8-Telling the speaker how you think he/she should feel: There is nothing anyone SHOULD or SHOULD NOT feel.

#9-Saying "It's okay:” It's not okay. The harm and wounding that we receive in life is not okay. Saying it's okay diminishes pain. Saying it's okay sends a judgement to buck up and move on and be fine.

#10-Trying to stop tears: Tears are healing. Trying to make someone stop crying communicates that tears are unnecessary Or bad. Tears a a sign of life anda great indicator of where to focus covering comments.

#11-Preaching: There is a time for instruction, but this is not it. Remember patience and grace as a listener.

#12-Quoting a lot of Verses: Often we USE Scripture as an easy out when we do not know what else to say. Scripture is very POWerful so be intentional how and when you use it. If you do think of a verse, ask them before offering it or share it with them later.

5) Example Dialog #1

(Kind, steady.) “I really appreciate your desire to help. Right now, though, our goal is connection, not solutions.”

(Turns back to MC.) “MC, before anyone responds, let me reflect what I heard so you know we’re with you.”

Leader Models Attunement

Kerstin (to MC): “You’re carrying a lot, and the place that feels most tender is this exhaustion that’s bleeding into your connection with God. You’re running on empty and unsure how to re-engage spiritually.”

(Pause.). “Did I get that right?”

MC (eyes welling): “Yeah… that’s exactly it.”

Woman 3: Trite / Pat Response (unhelpful #2)

Marybeth: “Well, you know, God never gives us more than we can handle, and this season will pass. Just keep trusting Him!”

(Awkward pause.)

Kerstin (Leader – gentle reframe) (Affirms intent, not content.): “Marybeth, thank you for wanting to offer hope.”

(To group.). “In moments like this, instead of reassurance or spiritual conclusions, let’s see if we can respond in ways that show we hear and see MC.”

(Models response.) “MC, I’m really glad you named this. I’m here with you in the exhaustion, and I don’t need you to be okay right now.”

Woman 4: Silence (unhelpful #3)

(Kerstin notices Blair looking down, quiet.) Kerstin (Leader – naming silence without pressure): “Blair, I notice you’ve been quiet. You don’t have to speak, but I want you to know your presence matters here.”

(Pause.). “If words come later, you can offer them.”

(Turns back to group.). Leader Models a Healthy Group Response

Kerstin (to group): “Let’s practice responding in a way that joins MC.”

(Models first- Identify, then invites others.)

“MC, I can relate to the feeling of spiritual dryness.”

(To group.). “If anyone else would like to offer a response, you’re welcome to.”

Alyssa (adjusted response/ Share): “MC, I feel sadness for you as you name that exhaustion. It sounds heavy and maybe lonely.”

Blair (learning/ Affirm): “I don’t know what to say, but I care about you and when you said you feel disconnected from God your voice was so soft. I heard good longing. Your good desire to be connected.”

Kerstin (closing): “That’s it. That’s joining! MC, before we move on, what would feel most supportive right now—silent prayer or a spoken prayer from one of us?”

MC: “A silent prayer would be good.”

(Group sits quietly.)

Leader (closing): “Thank you for letting us join you in this State of the Heart. We’re with you.”

END SCENE

6) Example Dialog #2

Training Role Play for Leaders:

Context: Men’s DNA Group using State of the Heart

Characters: David (Leader), Larry, Joe, Chris, Mark

Scene Begins

David (Leader):

“As we begin, let’s remember State of the Heart is a Kairos moment, not a Kronos report. The invitation is to name one thing you want us to join you in—either celebration or struggle—so we can commune with what God is already doing.”

Larry:
“Man, I just feel like I need to confess to you guys… I’ve been struggling with porn recently. I know that there’s no excuse, and I feel bad about it… It’s been years since I’ve struggled with it, and I feel kind of childish doing it now…. but I just really wanted you guys to know.”

Question That Shifts to Head Space (Unhelpful #5)

Joe:
“I can relate to how bad you must feel. I usually struggle the most when my wife and I feel really distant. Is that how it is for you?”

Nonverbal Shift (People Show You More Than They Tell You)

Larry (crosses arms, leans back):
“Not necessarily… I actually think my wife and I are doing pretty well. If anything it’s probably more related to how stressful work it right now.”

Preaching + Fixing + Scripture (Unhelpful #1, #11, #12)

Chris: (serious, anxious)
“God promises He won’t tempt you beyond what you can bear. And also promises to transform us by the renewal of your mind. How can we support you in resisting temptation and renewal of your mind?”

Leader Intervenes to Cover

Leader: (firm but calm)
“We will of course support each other—but I want to slow us down.”

(Attuned.)
“Larry, when you first shared, your voice sounded pained and open. When Joe asked that question, you leaned back and crossed your arms. I’m noticing your body telling us something.”

(Identify desire.)
“I hear a longing—not just to stop a behavior—but to find relief from stress without being swallowed by shame.”

Larry Re-enters Emotion

Larry (leans forward):
“Yes. I feel terrible. I’m sick of messing up. I know it’s wrong, and I know I’ll feel bad, but I do it anyway. I feel so stupid.”

Emotional Correction (Unhelpful #8)

Mark: (with warmth)
“Larry, you shouldn’t feel stupid. You’re one of the smartest guys I know.”

Leader Redirects to Covering Feelings

Leader:
“Mark, I hear your care—and I want to make space for whatever Larry is feeling here.”

(Teaching-through-modeling.)
“Feelings aren’t right or wrong; they’re signals. Larry isn’t saying he feels unintelligent. He’s feeling disappointment.”

(3-Point Response)Leader (Identify):
“I feel sadness for you hearing how heavy this self-contempt is.”

Leader (Affirm):
“It’s actually pretty brave for you to name this pattern out loud. I noticed your voice tighten when you said ‘stupid’—your body knows this shame well.”

Mark (Share):
“As you share, I feel compassion and respect. I’m honored you trusted us with this.”

Leader (Pause):
“What’s it like to be responded to this way?”

Larry Feels Covered

Larry:
“It’s relieving. I expected correction. This feels different… safer.”

Leader Integrates Gospel + Desire (Without Preaching)

Leader:
“That relief matters.”

(Grounded.)
“This confession isn’t about earning grace—you already have it. This is about forfeiting isolation and letting others join what God is already doing in you.”

(Choice.)
“What would feel most supportive right now—silent prayer, a brief prayer, or something else?”

Larry:
“A short prayer.”

Closing Prayer Leader:
“God, thank you for meeting Larry not with condemnation but with mercy. Cover him where shame has exposed him. Give him relief that leads to life. Amen.”

Leader:
“Larry, thank you for trusting us. We’re with you.”